Here at the Citizens Advice Bureau we aim to give help and advice to everyone. Not that we are over stretched in that department, indeed we are by far and away the quietest department in village administration!
Having said that, we do on occasion have the odd citizen of interest seeking our help. For example;
"I have recently taken up residence in the old people’s home. Much to my horror I discover that many residents are ex-maids, gardeners, electricians, waitresses, there's a grumpy old General of questionable military background, and an Admiral who keeps on recommending me to "try the boat," the boat being the stone boat! And what's more, my room is no better than theirs, when in fact I should think that any such room should be fitting of my once high office position here in the village. What's more, I am expected to eat with these inmates, sometimes even having to share a table!"
"As an ex-Number 2 who had planned to spend his retirement elsewhere, I feel I deserve something akin to preferential treatment as my position here should warrant. I want to know exactly what my rights are and what action can be taken to achieve what I consider to be mine by right?"
Ex-Number 2.....Retired.
"Whilst we sympathise with your feelings, we cannot offer any improvement in what you consider to be a raw deal. We feel you need to be reminded that you could have taken up residence in the graveyard instead, or rather pieces of you, and we urge you to put your feelings to one side and try to settle down in your new surroundings."
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Q; "I enjoy being a shopkeeper, but I do have a lot to do, what with serving customers, stock-taking, book-keeping and the like. I hardly get a day off, whilst others like No.6 swan about with nothing to do and all day not to do it in! And now to make matters worse they want to look at my books! I consider it to be most unfair!"
No.19
"If I were you I should closely guard those utterances of yours and take care that you are not posted as being unmutual! All I can say is No. 19, that there are far worse things than being a shopkeeper, just look at what they did to that chap in "A Change of Mind" at the hospital, 'Instant Total Conversion' is what they call it."
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Q; "My weeks credit allowance is all used up, and I can't go a whole day without my sweets. What can I do?"
No.38
A; "Go back tomorrow. Or better still get that No.6 to buy you a bag of candy!"
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"I am one of the persecuted here in the village. Its all that No.6's fault. Huh! Him with all those coded messages, pat-a-cake pat-a-cake, bakers man........ More harm in the village than is dreamt, I'll give him Don Quixote......... Blank sheets of paper, course there's nothing written on them, they're just blank sheets of paper, I knew that! And No.6, I knew, what he was doing, I knew he was a plant......... D6, XO4. Couldn't trust anyone though, not that No.14, he's ambitious!. Asked if I'd slept well, I'll give him asked if he'd slept well! Psychiatric report! That doctors got it in for me as well, and its all that No.6's fault, I wouldn't be in this psychiatric wing if it wasn't for him!"
An Ex-No.2
"Don’t worry, you're in the best place to get the best treatment!"
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