“Here
Fred” Mrs. Blakely said looking out of the front window
“What’s up, I’m finishing my breakfast,
I’ll be late for work.”
“I
didn’t know that Mr. Harris had gone and died.”
“What are you talking about, I saw him only
last night.”
“Yes I know, but there’s a hearse parked
outside his house, there’s two undertakers sat inside it.”
“Well there would be if it’s a hearse.”
Mrs. Blakely being something of a curious
nature kept watching through the net curtains.
“This is the house then” said the first
Undertaker.
“This is the address written on this piece
of paper, 21
Crawford Avenue
“In my overcoat pocket”
Both opened their doors and stepping out of
the hearse put their Top Hats on. The one went to the front door, and taking a
key out of his overcoat pocket put the key in the lock of the front door. The
other undertaker went round to the back of the hearse and opened the rear door
and pulled the oak coffin out. The first undertaker having opened the front door
returned to the hearse and helped his colleague carry the coffin across the
pavement and into the house, as observed by Mrs. Blakely from over the road.
Once inside the house the undertakers closed
the front door. Mr. Harris was in the kitchen, the door closed, busy making his
breakfast, bacon, two eggs, baked beans and fried bread. On the opposite side
of the door one undertaker quietly removed the lid of the coffin which had been
laid on the floor in the hallway, whilst the other produced a curious looking
gun from his overcoat pocket. The kitchen door was fortunate enough to have a
keyhole, against which the undertaker placed the curious gun and pressed the
trigger. This released a cloud of nerve gas into the room on the other side of
the door. In the kitchen the man paused in making his breakfast. Suddenly the
room began to spin, dropping the spatula he put a hand to the worktop to steady
himself just before he passed out falling backwards to the floor.
The two undertakers gave it a few moments
for the nerve gas to dissipate before they entered the room. One checked the
man lying unconscious on the kitchen floor, the other turned the oven off and
helped himself to the bacon, eggs, and fried bread in the frying pan.
“Coffee on the table, you know what Number 2
always says, waste not want not.”
Breakfast over, the undertakers carried the
body into the hallway and placed it in the coffin, replacing the lid they
carried it out into the street and put in into the back of the hearse. While
one undertaker locked the back of the hearse, the other returned to the front
door and closed it, remembering to lock it.
“They’ve just brought the coffin out of the
house.”
“Who have?”
“The two undertakers” said Mrs. Blakely who
had been watching the street through the net curtains all the time “funny how
they let themselves in though.”
“I expect they had a key” said her husband
“blimey, look at the time, I’m going to be late!”
“Whoever heard of the undertakers having a
key to someone’s house?”
“I’ll see you tonight” he said kissing his
wife on the cheek.
“It just didn’t look right that’s all.”
“She’s still there” said the first
undertaker.
“I know, a right curtain twitcher!” said
the second trying not to look across the road.
Mr Blakely passed by on the opposite side if the road, and removed his hat.
Mr Blakely passed by on the opposite side if the road, and removed his hat.
“What do we do about it?”
“Nothing, we’ve got to get this chap to the
coast by late afternoon. Just get in and drive away nonchalantly.”
“Mrs. Blakely watched the two undertakers
get into the hearse, and the hearse pull away from the kerb and drive away,
unbeknown what she had been witness to.
It was two days later when two men from
Special Branch called and stood questioning Mrs. Blakely on the doorstep. They
told her that the man at number 21 had failed to turn up for work for two days
running, and asked if she had seen Mister Harris recently?
“I think it must have been the two
undertakers” she said.
“Undertakers madam?” said the detective
inspector.
“Two days ago, in the morning, two
undertakers went to number 21. I thought it funny at the time, because my
husband, mister Blakely had only seen him the night before, as large as life he
was. Anyway I thought it funny at the time when they let themselves in.”
“They had a key to number 21?” asked the
sergeant.
“Must have done, no-one let them in, yes
they definitely let themselves in.”
“Can we come in Mrs…..?”
“Blakely, Mrs Blakely, perhaps you and your
sergeant would like some tea, I’ll put the kettle on.”
“Well you two made a fine mess of that”
“I’m sorry Number 2” 256 said.
“And so you should be. A right pair of
undertakers you are!”
“We couldn’t help it if that nosy old woman
couldn’t keep her nose out!”
“As undertakers you are supposed to operate
without being noticed. No-one should look twice at two undertakers going about
their lawful occasions.”
“Not that they were very lawful!”
“The woman wasn’t to know that was she. You
must have drawn attention to yourselves in some way.”
“We didn’t, we went about our business with
the greatest care and decorum.
“This is your next assignment, you’ll find
the man we want at this address” No.2 said handing the 1st Top Hat official a
slip of paper “and whatever you do, don’t draw attention to yourselves!”
A green yellow nosed Lotus 7 pulls up
outside No.1
Buckingham Place
Be seeing you
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