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Friday 30 December 2016

The Citizens Advice Bureau - They Do A Marvellous Job!

   Here at the Citizens Advice Bureau we aim to give help and advice to everyone. Not that we are over stretched in that department, indeed we are by far and away the quietest department in Village administration! However we do on occasion have the odd citizen of interest seeking our help. For example:

Q:    “I have recently taken up residence in the Old People’s Home. Much to my dismay I discover that I’m now living with people with whom I have nothing in common. They are old and retired, some have to be pushed about in wheelchairs. There's a grumpy old General of questionable military background, and an ex-Admiral who keeps on recommending me to "try the boat" saying he’s sailed her many a time, that she’s good in any weather. The boat being the stone boat, it don’t go nowhere! What's more, my room is no better than theirs, when in fact I think my room should reflect my once high office position here in The Village. What's more, I am expected to eat with these inmates, sometimes even having to share a table! I did not plan to spend my retirement here with people I have nothing in common with, but elsewhere. What’s more I have no privileges!                       Ex-Number 2.....retired. 
A:    “You seem to think you are hard done by and are receiving a raw deal. However you have more in common with the people you share the Old People’ home with than you think. They are all senior citizens, some of whom are retired. Do try to fit in. The General likes to play chess. As for the ex-Admiral he is a little eccentric, but harmless. Do try to settle down to your new surroundings, and remember that you might now have been lying in pieces in a cold dank grave in The Village cemetery!

    Q: “I enjoy being a shopkeeper, but I do have a lot to do, what with serving customers, stock-taking, book-keeping and the like. I hardly get a day off, whilst others like Number 6 swan about all day with nothing to do and all day to do it in! And now to make matters worse they want to look at my books! I consider it to be most unfair!"                                           Number 19.”
   A:  “If I were you I should closely guard those utterances of yours. All I can say is, Number 19, you seem to enjoy your work serving the community, so pay no heed to those who having nothing to do. For them life with nothing to do all day is twice as long as it is for you. The days go by much more slowly. As for the audit of your books, he who has nothing to find, has nothing to hide!”
    Q: “The man at the kiosk wouldn’t sell me any sweets. He said my credit allowance had been all used up, and I can't go a whole day without my sweets. What can I do?"              Number 38
    A: “Go back tomorrow. Or better still get that Number 6 to buy you a bag of candy!"
    Q:   “I am one of the persecuted here in The Village, and it’s all that Number 6's fault. Huh! He questioned my security of The Village you know, and Bizet, I’d heard enough of him to last me a lifetime. There is something on one of these records, a message of some kind, but I still can’t hear it! And that note to XO4 from D6….its not me who’s unstable. Who is XO4 anyway, I’ve never heard of him! Hiding blank sheets of paper in the stone boat, course there's nothing written on them, they're just blank sheets of paper, I knew that! Putting messages in the personal column of the newspaper........ more harm in the village than is dreamt. I'll give him Don Quixote! And that head of psychiatrics, he’s got it in for me! And that Band Leader, he’s next to an idiot, and that Supervisor’s no better, birthday greetings for Number 6 from 113 do they think I’m stupid…pygmies!! Him with his coded message, pat-a-cake pat-a-cake, baker’s man........ I knew what he was doing, I knew he was a plant he didn’t fool me! Couldn't trust anyone, enemies everywhere, even Number 14, he's ambitious. Asked if he’d slept well, I'll give him asked if he'd slept well! Psychiatric report, well it’s not me that’s mad! That doctor’s got it in for me I tell you. It’s all that Number 6's fault, I wouldn't be in this psychiatric wing if it wasn't for him!"                 An ex-Number 2
 A:   “Don’t worry, you’ll be well looked after. They’ll get the best specialists to treat you!"

Be seeing you

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