“Look,
I don’t know why you brought me here.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not for you to know why you are here, only to know you are here. But I can see there has been a mistake.”
14 “We don’t usually make mistakes.”
“Oh I don’t know, sometimes we have to make mistakes, sometimes we have to.”
“But it’s a well known fact sir, we do not make mistakes.”
“We never fail.”
“What was that sir?”
“It’s not we never make mistakes, it’s we never fail.”
“Amounts to the same thing in the end, doesn’t it?”
“Well if you don’t know......”
“Look, what about me?”
“Yes, what are we going to do with you?”
“We’ll have to send him back won’t we?”
“Nothing else for it Fourteen, he shouldn’t have been here in the first place. We’ll just have to send him back. You won’t mind that will you now...”
“Yes!”
“.....Good. That’s that settled then......what did you say?”
“I don’t want to go back there!”
“You don’t want to go back?”
“Well would you?”
“He can’t stay here sir.”
“I can see that Fourteen. Look mister......?”
“Ninety-nine.”
“Ninety-nine. We are awfully sorry about this current state of affairs....”
“It’s no good being sorry. You had me brought here, so here I’ll stay. Now then, that doctor was asking me a lot of questions, what is it you want to know?”
“Sir, he’s a plumber from Bethnal Green, his firm’s motto is “we plumb the depths.”
“ What could he possibly know that we want to?”
“Nothing!”
“The two undertakers went to the wrong house.”
“No, they went to the right house and he was in it!”
“Yeah, I was doing a plumbing job. Next thing I know is I wake up in this place, this Village. Mind you it is a bit of alright this place.”
“It’s a bit of alright?”
“Well it’s by the seaside.”
“It’s on an estuary.”
“Close enough, it’s got a lovely beach, the girls are a bit of alright. The lodgings are comfortable enough, I’ve got me own house, and a maid comes in and cleans once a day, and brings me meals.”
“Look sir, why don’t we make the best of a bad job. There was a meeting of the Works Committee only yesterday discussing the state of the drains.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s nothing to do with you.”
“He mentioned the drains, what about the drains?”
“The drains, oh I see what you’re grasping at Fourteen.”
“Look if you people have problems with your drains, well I’m your man.”
“Actually it’s not just the drains, it’s the sceptic tank.”
“You mean you’re not on main sewage?”
“Can I leave you to deal with this Fourteen?”
“I think you can sir. Come with me Ninety-nine, let me introduce you to the Works Committee, I think they can find gainful employment for you.”
“Well you know I know everything there is to know about the plumbing game, I’m a sanitary engineer first class you know.”
“Yes I’m sure you are.”
“I’ve got a plan for a machine that will not only unblock a drain, but will coat the pipe with a mixture so that.........”
“Yes, very interesting I’m sure, just come along with me will you.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not for you to know why you are here, only to know you are here. But I can see there has been a mistake.”
14 “We don’t usually make mistakes.”
“Oh I don’t know, sometimes we have to make mistakes, sometimes we have to.”
“But it’s a well known fact sir, we do not make mistakes.”
“We never fail.”
“What was that sir?”
“It’s not we never make mistakes, it’s we never fail.”
“Amounts to the same thing in the end, doesn’t it?”
“Well if you don’t know......”
“Look, what about me?”
“Yes, what are we going to do with you?”
“We’ll have to send him back won’t we?”
“Nothing else for it Fourteen, he shouldn’t have been here in the first place. We’ll just have to send him back. You won’t mind that will you now...”
“Yes!”
“.....Good. That’s that settled then......what did you say?”
“I don’t want to go back there!”
“You don’t want to go back?”
“Well would you?”
“He can’t stay here sir.”
“I can see that Fourteen. Look mister......?”
“Ninety-nine.”
“Ninety-nine. We are awfully sorry about this current state of affairs....”
“It’s no good being sorry. You had me brought here, so here I’ll stay. Now then, that doctor was asking me a lot of questions, what is it you want to know?”
“Sir, he’s a plumber from Bethnal Green, his firm’s motto is “we plumb the depths.”
“ What could he possibly know that we want to?”
“Nothing!”
“The two undertakers went to the wrong house.”
“No, they went to the right house and he was in it!”
“Yeah, I was doing a plumbing job. Next thing I know is I wake up in this place, this Village. Mind you it is a bit of alright this place.”
“It’s a bit of alright?”
“Well it’s by the seaside.”
“It’s on an estuary.”
“Close enough, it’s got a lovely beach, the girls are a bit of alright. The lodgings are comfortable enough, I’ve got me own house, and a maid comes in and cleans once a day, and brings me meals.”
“Look sir, why don’t we make the best of a bad job. There was a meeting of the Works Committee only yesterday discussing the state of the drains.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s nothing to do with you.”
“He mentioned the drains, what about the drains?”
“The drains, oh I see what you’re grasping at Fourteen.”
“Look if you people have problems with your drains, well I’m your man.”
“Actually it’s not just the drains, it’s the sceptic tank.”
“You mean you’re not on main sewage?”
“Can I leave you to deal with this Fourteen?”
“I think you can sir. Come with me Ninety-nine, let me introduce you to the Works Committee, I think they can find gainful employment for you.”
“Well you know I know everything there is to know about the plumbing game, I’m a sanitary engineer first class you know.”
“Yes I’m sure you are.”
“I’ve got a plan for a machine that will not only unblock a drain, but will coat the pipe with a mixture so that.........”
“Yes, very interesting I’m sure, just come along with me will you.”
Be seeing you
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