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Monday, 30 September 2013

The Citizens Advice Bureau

   The Citizens Advice Bureau promises to give help and advice to everyone. Mind you we don't open until 9:30am and we close just after 4pm, and our receptionist here isn't the brightest candle in the shop, poor dear. But we do try to be efficient, and have leaflets which give advice on almost anything.
   So if you need help and advice, have a problem of some kind. Don't be shy, just open the door and come on in. We'll have a nice cup of tea and biscuit , and don't forget we offer a friendly and confidential service.

Adviser "Next, ah Number Forty-two, what's seems to be your problem?"
No.42 "I am in  a continuous state of depression. I just can't stop crying."
Adviser "Come, come now, you should see a doctor."
No.42 "I have."
Adviser "What did he say?"
No.42 "He told me I was depressed."
Adviser "And why do you think you are depressed Number Forty-two?
No.42 "I don't like it here."
Adviser "You need to be more confident, exert yourself more. Join a group, do social work perhaps. You write poetry don't you?"
No.42 was wiping her eyes "Y, yes."
Adviser "Well there you are. Here's a leaflet on the Village Poetry Society, and one on social improvement. The ladies sub-appeal committee are the ones you should approach."
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The next customer of the morning appears to have a more mundane problem

"My weeks allowance has all been used up!"
Adviser "Well there's nothing I can do about that madam."
No.36 "But I told the man at the kiosk that I couldn't go a whole day without my sweets!"
Adviser "Then you'll just have to go back tomorrow"
No.36 "But that's what the man at the kisok told me."
Adviser "Well, that just demonstrates that we give the best of advice" said the adviser fetching out a bag of sweets from his desk drawer "have a Humbug!
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Adviser "I'm sorry Number 43, but we are not allowed to intervene with village administration. Your case as I understand it, is in the hands of Number2."

No.43 "But they have only given me seventy two hours!"
Adviser "For what?
No.43 "So that I might reconsider in the peaceful atmosphere of the village."
Adviser "Just what the doctor ordered I should imagine. Go for a walk, along the beach might be best, exercise, fresh air, just the thing. This together with a few hours of deep contemplation..... and I'm sure you will arrive at the right decision."
No.43 "But I can't tell them any more, because I don't know any more!"
Adviser "Well I'm sure that they will come to realise that in the end."
No.43 Rising from his seat "You mean before it's too late. It's already too late, soon Roland Walter Dutton will cease to exist!"
Adviser "Who's Roland Walter Dutton?"
No.43 “Me, I’m Dutton!”
Adviser "Well tell them what they want to know, and I'm sure they will be sympathetic towards you."
No.43 "I have, but they don't believe me!"
Adviser "Sorry, but its an administrative detail. Only Number Two can......."
Ting-a-ling sounded the bell as the door closed
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Adviser "So Number 50, what can I do for you?"
No.50 "I need your help in preventing an assassination!"
Adviser "I beg your pardon?"
No.50 "I said I need your help in preventing an assassination!"
Adviser "An assassination?"
No.50 "Yes, assassination! My father and another man, I don't know who he is. Who's anyone here?"
Adviser "Quite. And who is to be assassinated?"
No.50 "Number Two!
The Adviser thought for a moment "This is extremely serious. Look I don't have the power to act, but I know someone who will just love sticking his nose into this affair. Go and pay a call on Number Six, in a matter of credibility he is just the man you want."
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   So you can see the range of problems with which the good citizens of this community come to our door. In some cases we can only offer advise, in others we can help a little more. But in cases of administration, our hands are more often then not...tied. So tell me what's your problem and how can I be of help?

Be seeing you

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